This is one of the questions I get most often, in two versions: "we have a friend willing to donate an egg", and "we have a friend who wants to be our surrogate". Both come from a lovely place, and both get a similar answer — with differences worth knowing.
Version one: a friend as your egg donor
We all have that talented, beautiful friend who, if only we were straight, we'd want as our donor. Sometimes she even offers it herself.
On paper it's a good idea, and sometimes it looks like it would save money. Let's take it apart.
Financially it isn't necessarily cheaper. You have to fly her over, pay for her stay, compensate her for lost workdays, and ask her to leave her family in Israel. All of that before anyone knows whether it will work.
Medically the odds are lower than you'd think. Most egg donors are between 21 and 29 and have passed extensive screening before being approved. The likelihood is that your good friend simply won't meet the standards of a serious clinic. And beyond that — egg donation involves medications and injections over a period of weeks, and the retrieval itself means full anaesthesia and a recovery that isn't trivial.
Legally it's complicated in Israel. Unlike in the United States, egg donation in Israel must be anonymous. If your donor is an Israeli acquaintance, there's always the risk of complications if she asks for something in future — regardless of what the two of you signed in advance.
And emotionally — this is the part that decided it for me. When I first considered asking my sister, or my partner's, I pictured a holiday dinner with our child at the table, and my sister quietly thinking "wow, he really looks like me". Or having opinions about how we were raising him, and not being able to separate that from the emotional side. That was enough for me to decide that while I didn't want a fully anonymous donation, I'd rather avoid a friend or a relative.
A generous offer from a good friend can end in a sense of obligation that damages the friendship. Worth thinking about before, not after.
Version two: a friend as your surrogate
Here my answer is less clear-cut. There's no problem with it in principle — but there's a list you have to work through.
She has to pass every approval your clinic requires. Exactly like any other surrogate, with no shortcuts.
She has to satisfy the laws of the state where the process takes place. A surrogate usually needs to be a citizen or at least a resident there, and the birth has to happen somewhere that allows her legal tie to the child to be severed through a proper court process.
If she's originally Israeli — talk to a lawyer. About how this sits with Israeli surrogacy law, about what severing the tie involves in that situation, and about which legal complications you may be walking into.
And if the goal is to reduce cost — remember that if the process fails and you're back to square one, it will be after you've already spent significantly on her flights to the clinic, her stay, lost workdays, and possibly childcare for her own children.
The difference nobody talks about
Say everything works out and she meets every criterion. Bear in mind that during a process like this you will sometimes be very stressed, possibly angry, sometimes out of patience. And things that are easy to say to a stranger are not always easy to say to a friend who is doing you an enormous favour.
Two recommendations I stand behind
First: pay her. Even if she insists otherwise, and even if her intentions are entirely pure. To begin with — she deserves it. There is a great deal here beyond carrying the pregnancy: she'll lose workdays, inject herself for weeks, move from appointment to appointment and sit through endless medical and psychological screening. And beyond that, it makes things easier on you: agree on a figure you're both comfortable with, and you avoid the "I feel awkward asking, she's doing this for free" trap.
Second: consider an agency anyway. Even when your surrogate is a friend. The agency mediates with insurers, hospitals and clinics, and takes pressure off the communication between you. It's also your safety net if at some point you need to change surrogate — because by then you're already being looked after by professionals doing the work for you.
