Your relationship with your surrogate is going to be long and meaningful, and it will stretch across every holiday and occasion in the year. I'm a big believer in sending gifts — to your surrogate, to your egg donor, to her children, even to her partner. It strengthens the bond, and it gives some attention to women who as far as I'm concerned deserve far more than they get. Especially when the whole relationship sits across an ocean and you can't be there for them.
Timing matters more than the gift
There will be no shortage of occasions: her birthday and her partner's, transfer day, contract signing, the pregnancy confirmation, the start of medications, holidays. You need to decide which moments are yours — otherwise you'll find yourself sending something constantly, which either loses its meaning or starts to feel patronising. If you want to spend more on one occasion, her birthday and the birth itself are the ones worth it.
The note matters more than the gift
My strongest recommendation is to write a real card. It lands harder than whatever is inside the box, and it connects. What matters to surrogates is knowing you didn't just click something on Amazon — that you were thinking about her, and that you understand what she is doing for you.
A small thing that works: name her children in the card. It shows her you see the whole picture, and that you understand her entire family is contributing to building yours.
Think about the family, not only about her
Your surrogate is raising her own children, and like any pregnancy, the whole household feels it. Gifts aimed at the family, or at the kids, are the safest way to show you appreciate that. Toys, sweets from Israel, books or video games, even something small for her partner.
One of my better gifts was an ice-cream box for her family — there are companies where you order a few pints, design the packaging online and name the flavours yourself. I named each carton after a different family member ("Michael-icious", "Cranberries Gavin"). It's sweet, it's personal, and it cost very little.
How much to spend
You'll know from the character of your relationship. My rule: gifts don't need to be expensive or branded — and I'd actually be careful with big spends, which can read as the opposite of what you intended. Anything that feels good and shows attention works: a small piece of jewellery, a voucher for a prenatal massage (make sure it's actually prenatal — not every massage is safe in pregnancy), a spa day, a manicure and pedicure so she feels good during a period that isn't easy.
When she travels to the clinic for the transfer, it's worth sending chocolate or a fruit arrangement to her hotel room. Something small that shows you were thinking about her that day.
If you want an Israeli touch, Amazon carries plenty of Dead Sea products. And if you don't know what she likes — ask your agency coordinator. That's exactly what she's there for.
Christmas — the one rule that changes
At Christmas I learned that the gift itself matters less, and what counts is a generous, effusive card. Your present will sit under the tree alongside dozens of others (genuinely dozens), and several small packages beat one large one — because each gets opened, gets a moment of excitement, and is then set aside to open the next.
And after the birth too
Keep it going. Every year I send our surrogate something small at Christmas, around the holidays, and on birthdays. I change it year to year depending on my mood and how often we're in touch. Even a token Amazon gift card does the job. It matters to your relationship, to how she and her family feel, and simply as a way of showing you still care.
