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Is it important to meet with the egg donor?

I’m all for it. We met our egg donor and it was an amazing and exciting encounter, and a wonderful lifelong memento for us and for our girls.

The desire to meet has to be mutual, and it should be accompanied by a professional from the clinic at first, and of course anchored in a legal agreement.

This meeting isn’t a job interview, and it usually happens after you’ve already chosen her according to her medical profile and other parameters that were important to you. Sometimes the meeting happens after the eggs are retrieved. The purpose of this meeting is not to reinforce your choice or to raise doubts, but to ensure that there is some acquaintance, more than just a profile with a lot of pages and a few photos.

A selfie with her or a Zoom call that you keep a recording of is very meaningful, even if not for you - then for your children, years down the line. Fewer secrets in the family, fewer unknowns. The recommendation, also of psychologists, is to tell your kids the full story when they are old enough.

In my family the donor’s identity is no secret. She stars in our family story, and my girls know who she is and what amazing thing she’s done for us.

I was hesitant about this meeting at first - what if she isn’t what I thought she’d be? Not funny or friendly? Maybe she’ll have an annoying voice? Maybe I’ll notice something that I didn’t see in the photos? My concerns were quickly put to rest when you realize that these are women who perform an amazing physical and emotional act for a relatively modest sum of money. Hormonal injections, general anesthesia, difficult recovery, the emotional decision of donating eggs, and more.

Timing-wise, in my opinion you should take advantage of the opportunity to meet around the egg retrieval time. After all you can’t really know what will happen in 17 years if you decide only then that you want to meet the donor. It might be too late to meet by then, maybe she’ll be married and won’t want anyone else to know she was a donor in the past? Maybe she moved to live in the Amazon and has no internet access... :-) So I wouldn’t count on it (even if she’s contractually obligated). Take responsibility for such decisions that your child might not be able to make because it’ll be too late.

Aside from that, it adds a real face to your family story, someone who played such an important role in your family, who wouldn’t be there without her. To sum things up, even if you don’t do it for yourself, then do it for the child and his sense of belonging. I recommend meeting the donor.

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