A birth plan is essentially your "calming pill" for delivery day: one document that aligns your expectations with your surrogate's about how the birth will go — the manner, the atmosphere, and who does what — agreed between you, her, and sometimes her partner too.
When Roy and I sat down to think about what mattered to us for our birth, we couldn't quite separate the internet noise from what actually matters in a birth like this. But the moment we put everything on the table with our surrogate — questions, wishes, worries, one open and honest conversation — it all became clear and simple, and we finally knew what delivery day would look like.
What goes into it
More than you'd think. A birth plan defines the birth in advance, balancing your wishes, hers and her partner's, and the hospital's constraints: which hospital, what she can eat and drink during labor, whether she wants pain relief, who's in the room and in what role, the lighting, the music, who receives the newborn, who cuts the cord, who holds the baby first, who feeds them and where they sleep at night.
A lot of things you hadn't even thought about, right? That's exactly the point. Under the pressure of delivery day, plenty will fly out of your head — I can tell you that from experience. The plan is how the hospital staff gets briefed even when your brain is elsewhere.
The good news: most of these topics were already discussed when you matched, or during the pregnancy. Writing the plan is mostly putting what you've agreed on paper. The one exception is the paperwork around the birth certificate and custody — that part follows local law and hospital policy, not preference.
Start with who's who
Open the plan with the simple identifiers: the name of the woman carrying the pregnancy (identified as a surrogate), the intended parents' names (noted as the baby's legal parents), and anyone else who'll be present — a doula, a photographer, a grandmother. The whole purpose of a birth plan is to prevent surprises, including for the hospital staff. And in a surrogacy birth there are choices that don't exist in a regular one: who makes decisions for the baby, and who wears the hospital bracelet that opens the nursery door.
Talk about everything — really everything
You wouldn't want to pull out a camera mid-birth only to discover your surrogate never wanted to be photographed at such an intimate moment. This is your chance to make sure you see things eye to eye — and if preferences have changed during the pregnancy, this is the time to say so. She may want her husband beside her, or a quiet room with few people; after the birth she may want privacy, or the opposite. Communication is — here as well — the key.
The pregnancy-and-birth checklist:
- Where the birth will take place
- Who will be present during the pregnancy and/or the birth
- Pain-relief preferences, if any
- Music, photos or other labor-support requests
- How labor will be managed (doctor / midwife)
- Who the baby is handed to, and who cuts the cord
- Is cord blood being collected?
- In a C-section — who may enter the operating room
- What may be photographed or filmed, and which angles she's not comfortable with
- How the baby will be fed, and where the intended parents stay while the baby is in the hospital
- Who wears the nursery-access bracelet
- Vaccinations — what and when, if you have specific requests
The legal-paperwork checklist:
- Documents the hospital may require before the birth
- Documents to bring with you, and forms you'll fill in during the stay
- Who can make decisions about the baby from the moment of birth and sign for them
- Which ID you'll need at the hospital
- What won't happen at the hospital (registering a social security number, for example — see the separate article)
- A power of attorney or hospital form authorizing you to make decisions for your child once born
- How the baby will be discharged
And as a separate page — emergency contacts: her family, yours, both lawyers, and the agency.
Keep it short enough to be read
One thing to remember: for your plan to work, the staff has to actually read it. Nurses care for several patients at once; a plan drowning in text won't be absorbed. Include everything necessary — in clear, direct, simple language. Clarity is a favor you do yourself.
And then — stay flexible
Because these are human beings: you, your surrogate, whoever comes to support her, and the medical team. Things you agreed in advance can change at the last minute. You planned to be in the delivery room, and in the moment she wants only her husband there — or asks him to step out too, and you find yourselves together on the other side of the window while she stays with the doctors. Remember what matters most: a birth as easy and calm as possible. Even if you imagined being right there when your baby comes into the world, you may be there half a minute after. My tip: prepare thoroughly with an organized plan — and stay as flexible as you can with the changes on the ground. For your sake, for hers, and for the birth's.
