Let's talk about something rarely discussed: what happens to you, the parents, when the most important pregnancy of your life is taking place in someone else's body, on another continent, in another time zone. Everyone looks after the surrogate – doctors, agency, psychologist. And you? You're supposed to "just wait". Well, it's not simple at all.
I remember it vividly: every phone call at an unexpected hour stopped my heart. Between checkups I lived from one WhatsApp refresh to the next. And when our surrogate didn't answer for a few hours – my imagination managed to direct three horror scenarios. Only in hindsight did I understand that what I experienced was completely natural: our bodies and minds are programmed to expect the worst. That anxiety is not a lack of trust in your surrogate – it's an echo of everything you went through before her.
So what actually helps? First: an agreed communication framework. Instead of hoping for updates and being disappointed (or flooding her with messages), agree in advance: a short text after every appointment, a weekly or monthly video call, and a protocol for anything urgent. Once there's a framework, silence stops being threatening. A message that hasn't arrived means "it's not Tuesday yet" – not a sign of disaster.
Second: meaningful busyness. Anxious energy can be channeled – into preparing the home, a parenting course, learning the post-birth bureaucracy (there's plenty to learn, trust me), and working on the birth plan. The busier your hands are with preparation, the less room your head has for scenarios.
Third, and most important: don't carry it alone. Talk to couples who've been through it – nothing replaces someone saying "I also stared at my phone at 3 a.m." And if the anxiety takes over your daily life, your sleep or your relationship – professional support from a therapist familiar with fertility journeys is not a luxury; it's part of the process. Some agencies offer support for parents too – ask.
My tip: gently share with your surrogate what you're going through. A simple sentence like "after everything we've been through, we're a bit anxious – it's not about you" works wonders. Experienced surrogates know this well, and most will respond by flooding you with reassuring updates exactly when you need them most.
