One week she answers you with three exclamation marks and a heart, and the next — short, dry messages, or a reply that arrives two days later. Nothing happened. And yet you're sure something did.
First, a few simple reasons that have nothing to do with you: sometimes it's a cultural gap — texting rhythms differ between countries, and what reads to you as "she disappeared" is, to her, "I'll answer when I get a minute". Sometimes she's simply busy — she has a life, a job, kids of her own. And sometimes she's genuinely just tired, like any pregnant woman. And there is also one quiet player worth knowing in depth: the hormones.
What's happening in her body
Even before the transfer, your surrogate starts a hormonal protocol — estrogen and progesterone preparing the uterus to receive the embryo. Once the pregnancy takes, hCG — the pregnancy hormone — joins in. This trio works the miracle — and along the way it also affects mood, energy, sleep and sensitivity.
In practice it looks like any pregnancy: days of energy and excitement alongside days of heavy fatigue, nausea, heightened sensitivity, and sometimes crying at a commercial. For a surrogate there's a unique layer on top — she's experiencing all of it for someone else, her family is living it with her day to day, and you only see the tip of the iceberg in messages.
Why this matters to you
Because the common mistake intended parents make is to read every change as a signal about the relationship. "She answered briefly — is she having second thoughts?" In the vast majority of cases the answer is: no. Sometimes it's hormones, sometimes a packed week, and sometimes she's simply tired — and that's all. Knowing the mechanics saves an enormous amount of anxiety — yours, and hers, since she doesn't have to manage your feelings on top of everything else.
What actually helps
Flexibility in communication. You set a weekly video call and it's a rough week? Offer to postpone, without taking offense. The offer itself signals that you see her as a person, not an updates provider.
Ask how she feels, not only how the pregnancy is going. "How's the baby?" is a question about the project. "How are you feeling this week?" is a question about her. Both matter — don't forget the second one.
Don't fix; listen. When she shares that it's hard, she's usually not asking for a solution. "That sounds exhausting — you're a hero" is worth more than ten pieces of advice.
Remember she has her own support system too. A partner, friends, her coordinator, and sometimes surrogate communities. You are part of the support network — not all of it. That frees both sides.
And if something genuinely worries you — don't analyze alone and don't sulk in silence. A gentle conversation with her, or with the coordinator, straightens out almost everything.
The hormones pass; the relationship stays
The swings are part of pregnancy — every pregnancy — and they're temporary. What remains is how you made each other feel during this time. Parents who can hold a quiet week without panicking come out of the journey with a stronger bond — and with a surrogate who tells everyone willing to listen about them.
