There's a moment in every journey when it happens: your surrogate suggests something — about nutrition, the birth plan, who'll be in the room — and you freeze. On one hand, she is carrying your child and doing something enormous for you. On the other... it's your child. Are you even allowed to say no?
You are. And it's important to know that early.
The hesitation comes from a good place
The reluctance to exercise authority with a surrogate is nearly universal among intended parents, and with some justice: you're grateful, you depend on her, and you don't want to be "the difficult parents". But it's important to separate two entirely different things: her body — and the decisions about your baby.
Her body is hers. How she runs her day, when she rests, how she copes with the nausea. There you are guests, and empathy is worth more than any opinion.
The baby — you are the parents. From day one, not from the moment of birth. The decisions about their future, big and small, are yours.
This is not co-parenting
Your surrogate is a full partner to the journey, but she is not a partner in parenthood. This is a temporary, loving commitment she took on to bring your child into the world — and she herself, in the vast majority of cases, knows it better than you do and will tell you exactly that. Experienced surrogates say that parents who express calm ownership of the process actually give them confidence: she wants to know she's handing the baby to steady, assured hands.
What it looks like in practice
First of all — the reason all of this should be rare: talk about everything before you start. Birth plan, who's in the room, medical stances, communication style — everything settled in the matching conversations and the contract is a situation you won't have to manage mid-pregnancy. But even with the best preparation, things will come up. That's how it is when human beings do something big together. So when it happens:
Her views are heard; the decision is yours. When there's a gap — on the birth plan, a medical intervention, newborn vaccinations — listen genuinely, understand where it comes from, and decide. Respectfully, without apologizing.
Set boundaries early and reinforce them gently. It's far easier to say "this matters to us" in month four than to midwife a confrontation in week 38. And once something is set — repeat it consistently. A boundary stated once and forgotten is not a boundary.
You don't have to have the hard conversations alone. That's what your agency coordinator is for, and in legal matters — your lawyer. Bringing them in isn't a failure of the relationship; it's exactly their job.
And the contract is the anchor. Most of the big questions were settled there, in writing, before the pregnancy began. When something comes up — check what's written first. That's not pettiness; it's what lets the relationship stay warm.
And what about requests that ARE about her?
So far we've talked about decisions concerning the baby. But there's another kind of moment — when she asks for something for herself that wasn't agreed in the contract. Usually it's money: a reimbursement that feels high, an expense that was never discussed. And you're caught between gratitude and the feeling of being taken advantage of — and both of you, by the way, can be entirely in the right at the same moment: a request that seems excessive to you can be perfectly reasonable from where she lives.
The principle is simple: her feelings get acknowledged; the contract stays the anchor. A request covered by the agreement — approve it warmly. One that isn't — you can say, kindly, something like: "We appreciate everything you're doing for us. This isn't part of what we agreed, so let's think together about what is possible" — or, if the answer is no: "We completely understand unexpected costs come up, but it's important to us to stay within what we agreed." And if requests become frequent — that's exactly the moment to bring in your coordinator, not to manage it alone. I've written about these scenarios in depth in the post about requests outside the contract — worth reading before the situation arrives.
You're also allowed to be excited
Being "the parents" isn't only about deciding — it's also about owning the joy. Asking about the kicks, requesting an ultrasound photo, talking to the bump on a video call. Some parents feel like bystanders because someone else is carrying the pregnancy — but this baby was yours from the very first moment. The more you take your place as parents along the way, the more confident you'll arrive at the moment she places the baby in your arms.
