What Do You Tell People at Work? A Guide to Hallway Conversations About Surrogacy

"So when is your wife due?" – an innocent question by the coffee machine, and you stand there deciding in a split second: correct them? Explain? Smile and move on? A surrogacy journey serves up dozens of moments like this, and at work – where you spend most of your waking hours – it pays to arrive prepared.

First, let's lower the pressure: there is no single right answer. Some couples tell everyone from day one, some keep it to a small circle until the birth, and some announce "we're expecting" with no details – all legitimate. The only question that matters: what's right for you. My experience says decide in advance, together, what the version is – because the most awkward moment is when one partner told one story and the colleagues heard another.

Why should someone at work know anyway? Practical reasons. First, the absences: flights for meetings, for the birth, then parental leave – which you're legally entitled to in Israel even for a birth via surrogacy abroad (I wrote about this in my parental leave post). A manager who knows in advance, even in general terms, will roll with you far more easily than a manager caught by surprise. Second, the birth itself: babies don't coordinate their arrival with the project timeline, and someone should know why you vanished mid-quarter.

And the nosy questions? They'll come. "How much did it cost?", "Whose egg is it?", "Aren't you afraid she'll change her mind?". I prepared three levels of answers back in the day: a full answer for those truly close, a general pleasant answer for most people ("it's a long and exciting journey, we'll share more once the baby is in our arms"), and a smiling blocker for the nosy ("wow, that's a question we save for really good friends"). Once you have ready-made phrasings, no question catches you off guard.

And remember: you don't owe the whole organization an education. Some questions come from innocent ignorance, and it's a nice opportunity to explain – but only if you have the energy. On a busy day, "thanks for asking, we'll share more down the road" is a perfectly good answer.

My tip: have the HR conversation early and discreetly – clarify parental leave eligibility, absence days and flexibility around flights, before you need them. One calm conversation in advance saves ten stressed ones at the moment of truth. And don't forget that some companies offer benefits for employees going through fertility or surrogacy journeys – it's worth checking with your employer.